Extend the Grace

Nyxie the Muva Moments

Parenting is not an easy task. Speaking as someone who prays to my spiritual team daily to have more patience with my children, believe me when I say- this shit is not a walk in the park. I apologize to them daily for my mistakes, my shortcomings, and for when I lack the understanding of a child’s mind. I am healing and learning myself. My kids are learning about themselves and me. I’m learning and teaching my kids. There’s so much going on. It’s frustrating and hard to be okay with not always getting it right. But the point is, be kind to yourself, parent. The same grace you extend to your kids when they break your favorite vase, extend it to yourself.

To be completely transparent, sometimes, I lose it and yell. I fuss…. a lot. I forget that my kids are in their little bodies with their young minds, big emotions, and actively trying to understand why I’m pissed off about them making so much noise, when that’s exactly what they’re supposed to be doing. I realized that my ‘struggles,’ for lack of better words, with parenting has a lot to do with my childhood. The things I don’t do well or have a hard time with are because I don’t ever remember being a child. My kids are teaching me that everything is not always so serious. Also that it’s okay to have lighthearted fun and be silly and make messes and break shit. They’re teaching me to connect to my inner child and re-parent her and love her how she needs to be loved. I don’t think they know how much I’m learning from them. Sorry, I rambled here, I just needed to get that out.

I wanted to write about this because I often go through periods where I feel like ‘damn, I am fucking it UP with parenting,’ until I realize, no the hell I’m not. I am a human that makes mistakes and I am honest and transparent with my kids about them. I say and mean each apology I give my children when I’m wrong. I correct them when necessary. I’m teaching them to be responsible, emotionally intelligent, spiritual, grateful, abundant, brilliant… (the list can go on forever) little human beings that grow into adulthood with the right tools. My kids forgive me for the mistakes I made/make, so why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? Why can’t I meet myself with the same grace they show me, the same grace God shows me?

I’ll tell you a quick story about my seven year old daughter.

Let me begin with she is a pisces stellium, and if you don’t know what that means, she’s literally the sweetest, dreamy, deeply emotional, little girl. Because I realized early she was like this, I made sure I instilled certain affirmations within her and to voice how she feels freely and respectfully.

One day, we both were just in a bad mood. I was irritated with her taking forever brushing her teeth. I began to fuss as she was trying to explain she just needed a moment. I just kept on fussing, agitating her more. She looked at me in her mirror with tears welling up and yelled “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME MOMMY!” Stopped me clean in my tracks. She was right. I was not listening to her. I was dead wrong. I felt like I was the biggest failure as a mother. I got down on her level and apologized for not listening to her over my irritation. I let her know I was absolutely wrong and that what she has to say matters. And we talked about how to make sure we can try to avoid this going forward.

After that, I asked her if she accepted my apology. (I always make sure my kids know to never say “it’s okay” when someone apologizes, because it’s never ‘okay.’ You either say if you do or don’t accept the apology, or you say thank you/okay.) She did, immediately, no hesitation. Y’all know what I did? I went into my closet, shut the door, and just cried, prayed, and thanked God for loving me so much he gave me such a gracious child. And you know what she said at the end of the day, even after I convinced myself I was failing her? She told me, “You’re the best mommy in the world.”

(Before you ask, yes, afterwards, we talked about how to respectfully communicate our feelings. No, I didn’t make it a huge thing because it was very unimportant to me. I yell when I feel unheard too, so I let it go. You can argue with someone else if you think I’m wrong. I will talk about how parents can get so offended and blinded by tone instead of caring about what was said later.)

I say all of that to say, I know sometimes you lose your patience when you are just tired. Sometimes, you get exhausted with playing with toys or watching Frozen for the millionth time. Sometimes, you just need a moment to yourself to collect your thoughts but before you can get that, your kids have gotten together and busted a jar of spaghetti sauce all over your freshly mopped floor.

Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t tell yourself that you’re a failure, because you absolutely are not. Don’t feel like you’re fuckin’ it up with your kids. You’re not. You know what? They’re going to remember you speaking to them and apologizing to them when you’re wrong. Your child(ren) is going to remember you actively trying to understand them as a separate human being, not just an extension of you. They’re going to remember your transparency. They’re going to remember you pouring life into them and actively trying to be better for them. They will remember YOU.

Trust me, generational curse breaker, I feel you with the pure exhaustion of trying to get it just right with your child(ren.) Try not to focus so heavily on NOT being who raised you that you become just that. It’s so hard not to get fixated on it, but you have to stay present. The grace your child(ren) has for you is obscenely huge.

I want you to know that I see you, parent. I see you struggling with patience. I see you trying to fix yourself so you can be a better parent. I also see you spending quality time learning your kid(s). I see you becoming more graceful with yourself. I see YOU. And if I can see you, guess who else sees you?

So, breathe love. The kids are alright.